Is it really Over?
by Savii
Summary: REEDITED...This was a war that I was trained for. I always knew that people would die. I always knew that it would be a blood bath. However, nothing prepared me for what happened. For the first time Harry writes down what really happen that day.


Is it really over…

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. I'm just borrowing some character. However I forgot to tell JK Kowling or Joss about it… opps.  
Summary: This was a war that I was trained for, the day when I confronted Voldemort. I always knew that people would die. I always knew that it would be a blood bath. However, nothing prepared me for what happened. For the first time Harry writes down what happen.  
Warning: There a few character death and it a bit dark.  
Note: I did post this up before but now it has been fix by Poledra and imeldapotter.

Dear Diary,

I've been told that writing down my feelings would make me feel better, but how can it make me feel any better when I feel nothing at all. I lost hope and faith that day; I lost everything and everyone that I cared for, but that doesn't matter to anyone.

Before I can even remember, the Wizarding World made me their hero; a boy who did nothing but stay alive. I didn't even know about this world until Hagrid told me. I can still remember that night; I'd drawn a birthday cake on the dirt, because I knew that would be the only cake I'd get. I'm a freak according to my loving family.

I had spent my birthdays alone for as long as I remember. Everyday the Dursleys would tell me I was nothing but filth, a good for nothing stupid little boy. Sometimes even now I wonder if it's true. I was waiting for the clock to strike midnight and to make the same wish every year. All I ever wanted was for someone to love me, to care for me. Am I not worth loving?

When the clock struck twelve I made the wish as I blew out the candle and prayed that someone would love me. It was then that Hagrid came into my life. Hagrid had broken down the door, giving me my first present that night.

The first time I saw Hogwarts it was amazing. It was the first place I could call home. It was also the place where I met the man who changed my life. Year after year, someone would try and kill me but he would protect me from the shadows. I didn't even realise it until he was gone, until it was too late.

It was when I was fifteen years old that I was told about the prophecy. I had just lost my godfather because of my actions, it was then I learned that the world was placed on my shoulders. If I don't kill him no one can. I must say I didn't feel great about it.

Well the war has ended. I did what they wanted, I fulfilled the bloody prophecy, but it's not enough. It never is.

They, as in the Order, had provided me with a counselor to 'help me' after the war. Help... that's a funny word, all this time I've been helping people but when they help me it's too late. I can't be helped, I don't know whether it's me or them but then again, I'm not sure if I know anything anymore. None of them ever stay for more than a week. None of them seem to be able to handle what they hear, but it was alright to make me live it. I hadn't even started about the war yet.

Funny really. How do you find a counselor who knows how to deal with an eighteen year old boy who's had to fight for his life year after year since he was eleven and had nearly everyone close to him killed or murdered in front of him? I must confess though, at first, I did try to get rid of them, but I soon learned that if I told them the truth they went away much faster.

My current counselor seems to know what she's doing. It's been two weeks so far, her names Dawn Summer. Apparently she works for the Watcher Council and was sent to help me by a Seer. Hermione got all excited when she first heard about it; I guess it's good to know that some things remain the same.

Our first meeting wasn't anything like I expected. She seemed so young and full of life, so normal until she told me about her life. I can say anything and she won't be shock or frightened. I guess I found my perfect match. She would listen, I was so surprised. No one did ever listen to me for a long time. Hermione would tell me what to do and Ron was always busy with planning the war battles and now he's helping to fix all the damage caused by the war. It's nice to know someone cares enough to listen. Even if she is listening to this as a job, rather than as a friend.

At the end of the very first meeting she provided me with a blank notebook and told me to write down everything from what happened to what I want. The only thing she said was that it had helped her when she needed it. She never mentioned it again. There's a charm placed on it so I'm the only who is able to read it, which is good to know. Even Albus won't be able to read it; I was told that the White Witch charmed it.

The White Witch is a legend in this world; I did learn something in History after all. It's been said that the power of the White Witch only enters someone with a pure heart. The power was awoken a few years back and somehow disappeared completely. Lucky me then...

This is my first entry. I never wrote anything down before, and I never knew what to say or how to write it. I asked Dawn about it once and she told me that it doesn't matter what I write or even how. It's not meant for anyone to read but me. I guess I'm slowly starting to believe her.

Not many people knew what really happened, during the final battle against Voldemort. However, there were enough lies and crap to make up for it, so many that you wouldn't even believe. The funniest one was where the love and belief of the wizarding world gave me the power to defeat Voldemort and end the war. It more like 'Hey I don't want to do it let's place it on a boy who can't say no but with this story I feel better.

What did happen was that I lost all control of my emotions. I never did learn to master them. People have been telling me for years that I should learn to control them, but the funniest thing is that it was my emotions that killed Voldemort. I blew him up, as in thousands and thousands of pieces, even his soul shattered. I felt the magic rise within me and I directed it at him.

This all happened when I watched a man who I grew to respect and admire was cursed right in front of me. He was cursed to feel all the pain of the world. He did not die from it straight away but rather slowly.

I can still remember to this very day, his scream, his pain and the very life of him slipping away. It was this moment that I broke; I completely lost any control that I had.

There was nothing else to do; either I watch him die slowly or give him a quick, merciful death. I noticed that blood was slowly pouring out of him. So I raised my wand and whispered two little words.

Now I know how Ginny felt. Draco also died because of this very curse. They found out he was a spy, and he was sent to us as a message, as an example. We tried everything but nothing worked. He was slowing dieing in front of us and we didn't know what else to do. As his time came near to the end, Ginny somehow kicked everyone out of the room and locked the door. An hour later, she came back out with tears falling and left.

I never knew why Draco switched sides, but when I saw Ginny's face, it all became clear. After the incident she disappeared, we looked everywhere but found no trace. It was a week later that she comes back covered in dirt and blood.

Life to me seems so unfair, there's an innocent man dead, whose blood is on my hands and all they want do is celebrate. They want to take my picture, they want to interview me, and they want to know the whole story, but what about the things I want? I did the dirty work and gave up so many things for them so why can't I live my life the way I want. I have gained nothing out of this but pain and misery. I can't even have a normal life, but it seems like it's never enough for them. They always want more.

Sometimes I ask myself how much more a person can give. I've lost so many people in my life; my parents, godfather, and friends but the one thing that hurt me the most was the loss of Severus Snape.

He was always a git but he never lied to me, nor did he treat me any different because of my scar. He saw Harry, not the Boy-Who-Lived, and now he's gone. Once we overcame our differences, I started to see a hero.

Merlin, I hate him, now more then ever! I don't think I would be able to forgive him for leaving me or making me kill him. His final words to me were 'thank you' as I lifted my wand at him. So why do I feel this empty feeling inside of me? For the last seven years that I knew him he was never kind to me, always yelled at me for my mistakes, but most important he always protected me and looked after my wellbeing. He became the father I never had and I didn't realize this until now. I never acknowledged or thanked him for it and now it's too late.

He's gone, really gone. It felt like a life time before Albus found us. As soon as those words left my mouth I saw green sparks come out of my wand and my knees became weak. I just sat there right beside him, too afraid to touch him. I watch the warmth fade away from the lifeless body. Without a word he just simply took Severus and disappeared, he didn't utter a word; his face was blank, with no sign of emotion. I just sat there covered in blood not knowing what to do or how to feel and that's how Ron found me.

I don't even know where he's buried. Albus refused to tell me saying that he earned his peace. I hate Albus, I hate them all. I hate Voldemort for killing my parents, I hate everyone for expecting me to be a hero, I hate Albus for not letting me know where he lay and most of all I hate him; I hate Severus Snape for dieing.

This was a war that I was trained for, the day when I confronted Voldemort. I always knew that people would die. I always knew that it would be a blood bath. However, nothing prepared me for what happened. In the end I was forced to kill the person that I looked up to as my father figure. He died not by a bad guy's hand, he died by mine.

Now how do I recover from that?

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I just want to ask, should I continue this story or leave? I kind of like it on it's own but I have receive a few request to continue it.


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